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Ahhh Youth!

I have made a personal decision to stop paying attention to anything that promises or provides an opportunity for me to "regain my youth". Now I generally ignore such things, but recently I have been thinking about and looking up things to just boost my general overall health, such as time at the gym, eating regimens, etc. As a visual person, I decided to start by looking on line for images of healthy and good looking folks over forty that weren't too airbrushed or "sculpted". I've done programs that have been successful in the past (Body for Life for one) and I will most lkely return to those strategies of smaller portions, eating more regularly, time at the gym etc. But what I notice when I look up things for those of us over 40, there seems to be this obsession with youth. I have absolutely NO desire to regain my youth. I had my youth. Done. No need to repeat it. Since when is feeling at home in one's body (one's current body type) or feeling healthful with at least a modicum of energy and minimum of chronic pain or discomfort, suddenly "youthful". 

I've never quite bought into the youth obsessed zeit geist of our current western culture. I'm starting to think it is much more pervasive than I thought.


Half way there...

Feeling pretty good today. Made it to day 5 of the 7 day quarantine after radiation. Kind of nice to have a bit of real solitude (as much as you can get from being in the same house as a 14 year old and a 10 year old kid - LOL). All in all looking forward to the end of this blasted diet and being able to get back to butter...and cheese..and shellfish...and, hell ANY fish. I'm still very aware of how fortunate I have been. I'm even starting to feel a bit creative. I just spent the last twenty minutes sketching out a tomato and watermelon tart I hope to try once I can. 

Yup. Good Sunday.

Can I just say...

What a good day today was. Still no flipping energy, but got to have lunch and reconnect with a friend I rarely get to see plus one of my best friends will be visiting at the end of the week. Add to that some fantastic weather and you have a good day overall. I could stand a few more of these.

Making a difference

One of the things I've been wondering about lately is how folks make a difference in the world (immediate or on a large scale) every day. Not all of us have lots of money or time to throw at projects, but I do rather feel as if there is something more I can personally contribute. Not sure what that looks like. I know it usually grabs me when I have been watching or reading something like Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution or a Morgan Spurlock documentary or a TED Talk. Something that makes a difference on a larger scale. Or is it enough to settle for creating a space for your family to fully express and be supported in who they are so that they can grow and do wonderful things in the world.

Think globally, act locally.

Perhaps it is a little of both. Perhaps it is working toward something big(ger?) while still acting on the small scale. Shopping as close to one's neighborhood as possible to support the local tax base and voting for measures that will have a positive impact on folks on a city, district or state scale. I love the idea of volunteering, but it makes me profoundly uncomfortable and in the end, truly leaves me feeling rather unfulfilled. and regardless how that last statement sounds, it is just the truth. If I don't feel as if I really contributed anything, then why bother doing it?

Of course all of this is a moot point when I barely have enough energy to climb the stairs to my bedroom without getting winded or having to sit down. Knowing myself as I do, that is part of the allure. Wanting something I can't necessarily have. Even at that level. Maybe I am making the change and not realizing it. I certainly hope so. I would really like my boys to know the importance of having a broader world view than the latest XBox 360 game or what is directly in front of their noses. To know that they are part of a larger community and as such, should contribute to the world in a positive way; whatever the scale of their actions. Bring positive good into the world. Make manifest that which is the best in them and in humanity itself. There is way too much negativity and quite frankly evil to last us all a very long time. No need to add to that.


Stress…. I’ve begun to think about stress a bit. I mean the kinds of things that stress us out and why some folks are better about dealing than others. Read more...Collapse )


Not my strong suit

The downside to being really independent is that I am not good or remotely comfortable in asking for help. I think it stems from some insecurity about being viewed as weak or worse still, incompetent. Being perceived as not being able to handle something is a pretty big liability given the cosmic hand I was dealt. Plus it plays into my own feelings of not being good enough, blah, blah, blah. That is going to be one of the hardest lessons of this whole ordeal. I can already tell.


I have come to the realization that I am a very judgmental person.

No really.

Now that may not come as a surprise to some, but I think that if you ask a number of folks, they might say I hold some strong opinions, at best, but judgmental, no. And this new found epiphany kind of strikes me at my core. I make a concerted and conscious effort to be as open and accepting as possible. It is something I believe in and work at, but of late I just get surprised at the number of instances where I just pass snap judgements on situations and people only to learn fairly quickly that I did so without the facts and have had to back track and revise my initial assumptions. When the heck did THAT happen?

Guess I still have some work to do.

I'm not that guy

One of the things I have been thinking a great deal about is "who am I"? I kinda figured that at the advanced age of 46 (46? ... Counting... Yeah 46), I would have had that sussed out. Alas no. So as is my wont, I decided to tackle this problem other way round.

As I write, I am catching up on some past Fresh Air podcasts. I just listened to the interview with Kristin Scott Thomas. Early in her career she was asked if she wanted to be a star or not. And she answered that she didn't want to be a star, but wanted to be an actor. And then she began speaking about her career trajectory where for the last few years, she has been doing things/ projects that she truly enjoys. I so admire that. It made me think. While I like accolades and recognition for what I do and accomplish, I don't want to be a "star". I watch my fair share of food competition shows and food channel shows. I look at things like Project Runway and Glee Project and I know what goes into that type of competition. The drive to attain that sort of notoriety, and I am just not that guy. While the attention would be rather brilliant for a time, it just seems like a heck of a lot of stress and work and tsuris to go through for 15 minutes (or longer) of fame.

I just recently did a pie competition / Fundraiser. I don't like participating in competitions. Not that guy. But I did it. Needed to have a goal and this part of my recovery and treatment. I focused on the fundraising aspect and actually got my pies done on time. I didn't even place. Yeah I got lovely parting gifts (cool items) and my entry fee went to a local literacy program, but Jeez. Didn't place? So I had a couple take-aways from this:

It feels good to build and be part of community.
I can overcome some levels of fear, anxiety and discomfort.
My crust needs to be just a touch thicker.

I'm not that guy. And I'm okay with that...okay getting to be okay with that.

Catching up

IJeez Pete! Been a while and so much has happened. Lots to process. We'll see where it goes.

Still baking.
Still got the kids and husband.
Same house.
Same town.
Got cancer.
Had surgery.
On leave from work.

That is pretty much the "catch up".

I'm also going to try to sort a few things out. Been given the opportunity to process through a few things. Perhaps this, LJ, will help with that. Who knows. We'll see how long this particular spasm of journaling lasts.

A new direction?

So I have been working at the bakery for over a year now. Hard to believe it has been that long. We are in the process of opening a new store and MAN has it been crazy. I've become a manager and will be the manager of the new store.
It's a pretty exciting time. But recently I have come across a new business opportunity that I am wildly excited about. It would be following my goal of opening my own place. Just not the kind of place I thought. The Universe is a trip sometimes.

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